Who is me?

Looking for an identity
What can I claim to be
How hard is it going to be find my category
A free bird soars the sky
But then it doesn’t have to think about our society
The feeling is troubling
When at 19 you can’t decide the definition of me
Was I the one a month ago
Was it an alter ego..
That person has been around for the 19 years
But then the other one rears its head
Nasty and venomous at times
With shades of the chirpy girl who she used to be..
Practical and sensibility is the aim
But how will I fair
If lost I already feel
Aren’t they both sides of me
So how can I hate one and aspire to be the other on who used to be me
Is it a phase I don’t know
But I still look for pieces of me deep below
The embers of the glorious fire I can still see
Same as when they died and couldn’t find a saviour
How important is it to find one I query
But all the emptiness just makes the question echo back to me
I could try and work with both..
But I need to build up the strength
Since it appears I will be the end of me
I have heard and seen all my problems
All the things I couldn’t be
So many wishing I could make them laugh
How I ask desperately when it isn’t left in me
The balance I crave I earlier used to strike
But now it is beyond my reach
Maybe I have become what I shouldn’t be
My work my force my only merit is not worthy
My love my companionship myself sadly lacking
How do I move forward when all the linkages are weighing me down
How do I give you a smile when I want to curl up and cry
And the traitorous tears refuse to come
Alas I can’t shed the burden
No anchor for me
No place to lean
Weary I wander for some peace
It used to be easier to push myself aside
If I couldn’t make you forget what good would I be doing
But as the dark swirls around I can see it overshadow me
For I don’t know who to be, what to feel and how to see